I'm not quite ready to give this up yet...

It's funny: I'm only posting on here today because I know most people don't read it. It's...safer I guess. I don't know. I guess there's some stuff that I need to get out but I don't want everyone having access to.

I'm so confused. Boys annoy me right now. And by annoy, I mostly mean confuse. I've been in such a bad mood lately, and now being confused and getting mixed stupid messages is making it...worse? ...at the very least, not better. I don't know. I slept in Cabra last night...in Alex's bed, but not with Alex. He got up and went to the couch because he couldn't sleep. I mean, that's whatever, but obviously he wasn't going to fall asleep there, and now I feel bad because it's my fault he didn't sleep last night; he couldn't sleep next to me. First of all, it's a blow to your ego when a boy can't (or just doesn't want to?) sleep next to you. And second of all, I just don't understand the mixed messages!!! How can you lean over and kiss me, yet never be the one to call or suggest we hang out or even IM me first! I don't know. It makes me want to stop trying. I get to a point where I feel like I'm practically stalking him...or at least a point where I'm afraid HE thinks I'm practically stalking him. Michael said that I sound like Samantha, and that when she said stuff like this, usually she was thinking wrong. But I say it's different because we're not in love. I'm not even sure he LIKES me.

Another dumb thing is: I was going to go home at midnight. He was TAKING A NAP and I had to get him up at 11:45 to go down and get his ID, and I was just gonna go home, but he goes "can you come back upstairs?" Not a request. No. It was an inquiry. Was is possible? But it was as if it was a given that I was going to go back upstairs with him, as long as it wasn't against the rules. I wonder if things would be different if I had just left then...I don't know. I'd probably be convinced he didn't like me. He didn't kiss me (yes, HE kissed ME) until after we came back upstairs.

I'm confused.

I'm going downstairs.

Goodnight.

Hmmm. I guess since this is a journal and all, I could use this space to write about what happened this weekend.

Well, I got up on Friday and Sofie was with me. Maggie said that the party she had been trying to plan had fallen through, so that was super dissappointing. Instead we rented Skeleton Key, which I thought was going to be lame, but was good. BUT, that night, Justin had called [Maggie's house] when we were out. We called him back to tell him what we were doing and he was like "well, I'm going to to go sleep tonight, but call me tomorrow and we'll hang out if you're bored."

SO the next day, I called Justin while he was at work. I mentioned that Maggie kept calling me and wanted me to go visit her at work. He suggested that he'd called me after he got off work (which was to be about 30 minutes later) and he'd pick me and Sofie up and bring us to Hannofee (I dk how to spell that). When I hadn't heard from him a few HOURS later, I called his phone. He didn't pick up, so I called his house. His mom said he was out playing tennis or baseball or something. That night, Sofie and I went to work with Maggie from 9PM-Midnight. At probably 9:30 or so, Justin calls Maggie. She says we're busy or whatever so we can't hang out, but that we should hang out Sunday.

Sunday I call him. Much later Sunday evening I text message him (even though I HATE text messages, just because I know sometimes service blows up there, but you can get texts even when you can't necessarily get calls). BUT we don't hear anything from him on Sunday....

Sunday night, Maggie and I go to a party. Lots of her friends are there (not including Justin). Most of them I don't know, but I know John and James. I've heard of this kid Ben, and I had met J. Green once before (though neither of us remember the other very well). John, James and J. Green bring vodka and we all get kinda drunk. Maggie and I made out. hahaha. That was funny. John and maybe J. Green were slightly weirded out by the fact that I kiss with my eyes open (which I didn't realize was weird till then). Michael also laughed at me when I told him that part of the story....Maggie's mom found out we had been drinking and flipped the fuck out. Maggie turned out not to be in huge trouble, though. She can't go out for 2 weeks, but she still has her car and her cell phone, so it's not that big a deal.

I think that's it....